Self Assurance

I was rather blue yesterday.

I have a couple leads on my autism documentary project-- the Rochester Regional Center for ASD got back to me and invited me to come present my project to see how they can help me get working on it, and I also heard from a psychology professor here at RIT who has worked with autistic high schoolers. I'm just kind of being patient with this, letting things work out how they should. I'm still really excited for it though; I definitely want to pursue this idea.

I've had this lingering cold for the past week or two, which would probably go away if I just had a day off to rest. I'm not coughing or sneezing much anymore, but my ears still don't feel right and I'm hoping that will go away soon. We have lots of tests and projects due in school, plus I'm working 30 hours this week, so I just don't have much time for anything else. The good news is that I've managed to find rides to/from school most days of the week, so I don't have to wake up at 4:30 anymore and I don't have to ride my bike so much. Last night was our first frost, so winter is definitely on its way.

All things considered, I guess I'm doing alright. I got some naan and hummus today and made falafels for dinner. I'm managing to stay on top of my finances and schoolwork for the most part. I just wish that transportation wasn't such an issue here, and I do wish I had some semblance of a social life. I'm lonely. I have acquaintances in class and work, but at work I'm obviously kept pretty busy, and the last couple days I just got overwhelmed and I feel like someone's always mad at me for something. But I'm trying to make this work.

On another note, I'm kind of irritated that I can't look at my stovetop now without thinking the words "blackbody radiator." Thanks M&P.

New.

New York.

It's strange that I feel myself growing so much here in such a short space of time. I'm doing work here that I don't think I would've ever been able to do a year ago. I had my doubts about moving to a suburban location, that without the wackiness of San Francisco I would just lose all inspiration, but I feel more like an artist than I ever have in my whole life. I'm working with some brilliant people who understand my geekiness for journalism, graphic design, typography, print, anthropology, etc.-- this place is just a perfect balance for me.


At the moment I'm doing research for what will hopefully develop into a long-term documentary project on children with autism. I have no idea how it's all going to turn out and I'm nervous, but after everything that happened this summer and over the last year, I finally feel ready to do a story like this. And it's strange, like I said, a year ago I would never have had the guts to do this, being so shy and reserved, but it's like I HAVE to do this, and now that I actually have people expecting work from me and who will give me useful critique, I feel like I can get it done like any other assignment.

Basically what's been happening is this-- I was placed in a beginning photo class this quarter, but after talking with my advisors, they agreed to let me do a more specialized program study so that I'm still being challenged-- so next summer/fall I can jump into my photojournalism classes. So I'm taking this opportunity to assign myself a project that I can work on and build over a long period of time, as well as a couple smaller, more design-oriented things to complement that on the side.

At first, I thought of doing this story because I honestly didn't know what else to do, but the more I think about it, the more I like it. It's something that I've been wanting to photograph for a long time, but couldn't have done with my own family, and in addition to hopefully bringing a little light to the disorder, will probably trigger a lot of introspection for myself and, hopefully, healing. I've never really known what it's like to live with autism, because I've never had a "normal" life-- and so I'll get to see it from both sides now (cue Joni Mitchell music). My goal right now is to find a family with an autistic child, get to know them and photograph them on a very regular basis for the next several months.

God, there are just so many facets to all this that I'm experiencing right now, it's hard to know where to start explaining it and it probably doesn't make much sense. I'm just so excited to do this, I feel like all this work is finally starting to have meaning for me.

I'll post pictures and such later-- off to the library to study for a bit.

Oh, it's already freezing here. And I'm fighting off a cold. Go, white blood cells, go!!!!

PS- I got a printer :) The school labs were practically giving them away and I couldn't pass it up. My only complaint is that it takes 8 ink cartridges-- and each of them go for about $30 each. Right now it's missing the light gray and it refuses to print it. Why you need light gray, light magenta and light cyan is quite beyond me at the moment, but we'll see...


As always, my refuge is in a book...

PPS- I am tired of the teenagers who honk their horns, yell, whistle, holler, and flip me off when I am riding my bike home at night. I really don't understand people my age. I don't know what it is... it's just so weird for me, being at college and meeting all these people whose parents have always done everything for them, who have had this totally sheltered life and go to country clubs. I tell myself that in the long run, this hard work and stress will all be good and worth it, but I can't pretend like it's not frustrating. I can't pretend that I don't sometimes wish I could be like them. I reckon it'd be a bit less lonesome.

I'm just no good at being young.